Yesterday I watched my 11 yr old daughter ride off into the sunset (actually sunrise) on her very first road trip/vacation without me. Y’all, I can’t describe in words the wide range of emotions I felt in that moment. Under normal circumstances I would still have a hard time with it, but almost 6 months after brain surgery and dealing with lots of damage from the tumor? Hard is an understatement!
But, I had to let her go.
I had to let go.
Of course I still have my baby, my Sydney. Oh I’m so thankful for this spunky yet sweet sensitive girl! 
I think back to the moment we had to kiss Jada and watch her be wheeled into the Operating Room. I was an absolute mess. My dear husband was able to go further with her while Sydney and I had to walk out to the waiting room. The hallway leading out seemed forever long, yet not long enough. 
Once I went through those doors they would be one more thing separating me from my precious girl. But I had another precious girl to worry about and at that moment she was worried and crying and clinging to my arm. But the crazy part is, she was actually worrying about me just as much! In that moment we needed each other. We walked out of the doors and sat down in the waiting room. You’d think we were glued together. We sat there and cried together for what seems like an eternity. I comforted her, she comforted me, it was altogether heartbreaking and scary, yet amazing at the same time. I was letting go of one child and clinging to the other.
That still wasn’t the first time I had to let go and trust someone else with my daughter Jada. I mentioned in my last post that she was a preemie. I had no choice but to trust her into the Doctors’ and nurses’ hands as well as the machines. It was a terrible feeling knowing that they could care for my new baby better than me.
But that was best for her at that moment.
They were qualified for what she needed right then. If I had tried to take over and say I could do it because I was her mom, that wouldn’t have turned out well. I had to trust someone else with my baby because they knew what to do to make her better. And I had to trust God with her too, because, well, He’s God and He sees the big picture for our lives. We put verses in her isolette in the NICU as a reminder of that (Romans 8:28 and Jeremiah 29:11). 
But because I did place her in the right hands, she got better and she grew. Then they placed her back in my hands once she was able to come home. I felt so inadequate and hoped I was up to the task. Years later I still don’t feel adequate but I do my best with the Lord’s help and a LOT of grace.
Back to yesterday. As Jada left with her MiMi, aunt and cousins to go out west on their trip to see the Grand Canyon, I thought of how hard it is for me to let go. You’d think by now I’d have it down, as much practice as I’ve had. But not so much.
I am wondering if God is trying to teach me through this, and if so, that kind of scares me. I had to let go and trust Him when she was born. I had to let go and trust Him when we found out she had a brain tumor and went in for surgery. And now, 6 months later, I’m letting her go again to feel some independence and have her own adventures apart from Mommy, Daddy and sister.
At first I said no way. I didn’t want her to go. She has so many extra things added to her routine. Traveling these days for her is not simple. She’s got her physical therapy exercises plus her lens and eye care stuff. But the Lord worked in my heart and I now realize how good this will be for her. She lost some independence with the surgery and since then we’ve had to be especially close by and help her with a lot. She has been slowly working on gaining it back, and getting good at putting her lens in her eye. (This is difficult to do when you can’t feel it.) she kept assuring me she would be fine. I know she will. She’s in good hands. But 9 days and hundreds of miles apart, I hope I will be fine!
So, I let her go. Again.
I trust God to bring her back to me in 9 days-8 now! Once again, my J is where she needs to be for this part of her life. To grow and learn, to gain confidence in who she is when her parents aren’t there. To feel more grown and independent. Do I like that? Not really but I have to accept it. I have to let her grow. And in doing so, I grow as well.
When Jada does her physical therapy she has an exercise that uses a resistance band. One rep doesn’t count until she brings them back slowly. She pulls them toward her and works her muscles but she’s also working them when she lets them go back releasing the tension. She’s growing stronger when she pulls them to her AND when she lets them go slow and controlled.
I see now that I must do the same. Like the rubber band, I must continue to pull her close and enjoy the stage that she’s in. But I also must give her space and let her go in a slow and controlled way. Of course, I am checking on her a lot during the day, but also letting her enjoy the ride. I am sad in a way that I won’t be able to experience her first time seeing the Grand Canyon. But I won’t always be with my children for every experience they have. And I have to be ok with that. I look forward to hearing the excitement in her voice as she tells me all about it. At that point I’ll be pulling her close and hanging on every word- even just over the phone.
As hard as it is for us as parents, there is power in learning to let go-not be irresponsible 
and give them too much freedom, but in a controlled way, with someone you trust. But as for my “baby”, well not quite yet. I will let the Lord guide me and prepare me for that. And right now she’s waiting for me to get in the pool with her. I’m drawing her close these 9 days, because that is exactly what SHE needs right now.
And we know that in all things God works for the good of those who love Him, who have been called according to His purpose. Romans 8:28
“For I know the plans I have for you,” declares the Lord, “plans to prosper you and not to harm you, plans to give you hope and a future.” Jeremiah 29:11
My Daughter's Tumor 